Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Changes and Shifts

I’ve been a little lax about posting on the blog lately (apologies) and it’s due in part because I have been enjoying this beautiful Atlanta spring but also because I have been dealing with some personal issues. Given my current “frugal lifestyle” and Erik’s very busy work schedule I’ve had a lot of time at home to think and reflect on the state of my life right now and to assess how I’m holding up after some very big life changes. I’ve realized that in the past year my life has done a complete 180. This time last year I was a member of a competitive Tae Kwon Do team, working out five days a week with some of my best friends. I was in the best shape of my life, living in a cute house, in a good neighborhood, with a man I had always intended on marrying. Just last spring he and I had been on several trips to look at engagement rings and I was hopeful of a proposal “any day,” carefully pushing away the growing doubts in my head and the warnings from others that maybe, just maybe, things were not going to work out how I planned. I was ignoring warning signs (who gets into an argument about marriage on their way into the jewelry store to look at engagement rings???) because I wanted to believe in him and trust him.

It’s hard to write these things down right now because as much as I want to move on (and you can’t believe how much I want that) there is still this pain and bitterness associated with the break-up with not only my boyfriend of 8 years but also the loss of his family who I really loved, and mutual friends who I cared about. Even though we weren’t married it was like a divorce. Add into that the equally painful break-up and loss of my gym family and friends and, well, that’s a lot of hurt to deal with in the short span of 3 months—hurt that I thought I could easily just push out of my mind and heart but is proving to be a lot more difficult to exterminate. I am angry and resentful for the way I was treated by my ex and I am angry and resentful for the way I was forced to leave my gym. These are feelings which I feel are important to acknowledge and that I recognize I have to work through right now. In terms of heartbreak of this magnitude I am told how I am feeling is completely normal.  My sister said that after her first marriage ended she was told it takes half the time you were with the person to really get over them. I really hope she is wrong because I never want to give my ex the satisfaction of knowing it took me 4 years to get over what he did to me. I want to be stronger than that.

And I feel like I have been pretty strong throughout the whole ordeal. Of course I’ve had my meltdowns and bad days but I’ve asked myself on many occasions if I would want to go back to the life I was leading a year ago. The answer is always: hell no.

Yes, my life is very different from what it was at this time last year but in a lot of very wonderful ways. I am a homeowner—something I always dreamed about being—and I am doing it on my own. It is such a liberating feeling to know that I don’t have to answer to anyone if I want to re-decorate or make changes. It’s my house.

And there’s also Erik who has been such an incredible person throughout this crazy time in my life. At my lowest point after my break-up I told my mom that I felt like I was doomed to roam the planet alone. Little did I know I would meet an amazing man so soon after losing what I felt at the time was just about everything. I feel a lot of love and happiness right now and that is a really good thing in the midst of all this pain and resentment.

So these are the things I try to hold onto now when I start to feel angry—how much better my life is, how much happier I am, how much freer I feel. And as I start to get a better handle on these emotions I know I will continue to heal that much quicker. I just hope that everyone close to me continues to be as patient and wonderful as they have been because that means everything to me.

1 comment:

  1. That was a great post... I'm happy for you, you're finding your own way :-)