Friday, March 30, 2012

Finally Free (Happiness is NOT Overrated!)

I read a lot of blogs. Some are written by close friends of mine and others are by people I have never met before in my life. Some of the blogs focus on home improvement, some on family and marriage, some are just hilarious encounters occurring in everyday lives, and of course we cannot forget the juicy gossip blogs (I know gossip is bad but whatever—everyone has their guilty pleasures). The variety of blogs out on the interwebs is endless, I tell you.

Recently I stumbled across a blog that has really touched me and made me think. While perusing one of my favorite gossip blogs Laineygossip, I discovered a blog called His Giant Mistake. Lainey was discussing the topic of cheating and whether it’s ever okay and if one ever happens to fall into that circumstance of my-partner-cheated-on-me if it is ever really possible to forgive. The author of His Giant Mistake, Cleo, is experiencing this situation as we speak and she is blogging about it in real time. Last fall she discovered her husband was having an affair which all started with what she calls “the pocket call” while he was out of town on business. Her blog details every emotion she felt as she has felt it and focuses on how she is dealing with the situation today. Once I started reading, I couldn’t stop—the way she writes about her experiences is so beautifully expressed and I have to say that I felt immediately connected to her, this person I have never even met.

See, a lot of the emotions she writes about were the exact same emotions I felt when breaking up with my ex. Yes, technically he may not have cheated on me but the betrayal and hurt I felt by him were very, very, real. Here was this person I trusted who kept feeding me with false information of a proposal year after year and despite warnings by family and friends I made excuses for him. What I failed to realize was that he had checked out of our relationship a long time ago, he just couldn’t bring himself to let me know. He lied to me and others—giving me false hope when deep down I know he knew the truth all along.

For a while I was very bitter and angry about the situation. Angry that he had wasted my time and angry with myself for putting up with it for so long. I commented on one of Cleo’s posts on HGM, telling her my story briefly. She responded and it felt good to communicate with someone who understood what I had felt. She also brought up a good point—how do we let ourselves get strung along in these relationships that are so obviously toxic? There are always warning signs. Why do we choose to ignore them?

For me I think the blindness initially began because of my love for this person (which I believe is very common) and eventually I think it just turned into this personal quest to prove to everyone how wrong they were to question if a proposal was ever going to happen—to question “our” love. Of course I realize now that I was deluding myself and I almost laugh at the hilarity of it all. I mean, what the hell was I thinking???

At one point in her blog, Cleo states that her ex-husband, “The Genius,” probably gave her the greatest gift by having an affair in the end because she was able to re-discover what it meant to love herself and be true to her wants and desires. I cannot agree with her more on this point. I almost cry when I think about what my life would be like today if I had stayed with my ex. The fact is that no one should have to put their lives on hold to wait for anyone. Relationships are meant to be experienced together and if you are not on the same page as your partner (and it doesn’t look like you ever will be) for god sakes move on!

I cannot even begin to express the difference there is in being in a relationship where you genuinely love and care for someone and a relationship where everything is focused on selfishness. Relationships don’t work when there is someone who is constantly saying “well this is what I want” and “this is what I need” and “why can’t you just change.” It seems so logical but, take it from me, you would be surprised what you can convince yourself of when the mind is willing.

I still see myself bracing when I’m with Erik whenever I say certain things or do something silly that would have gotten eye rolls or started some dumb fight when I was with my ex. Instead he just jokes back or does something equally as silly. Even though we have been together for over a year I am constantly amazed that he doesn’t find my sense of humor corny and annoying or see my playfulness as “too cutesy” and “not sexy enough.” Everything is about our future and our wants--our desires. With my ex everything was always split right down the middle—this is yours and this is mine. Whenever we bought something it was always split in half even though we had lived together for almost 3 years (this is a huge red flag btw ladies). I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to be with someone who actually sees the future as “us”, “we”, and “ours.”

So today I say thank you to my ex. Thanks for letting me be free. I am so much happier than I was 2 years ago and I am pretty certain you probably are too. I forgive you for your selfishness and your cowardliness because it has allowed me to finally know what it feels like to be truly loved and desired. I think I have finally gotten to the place where I can wish you the best (a year and a half is what it takes I guess). And to Cleo (if you ever find my tiny blog)-- thank you for sharing your story. I think it is so important that everyone know how to love themselves first because, ultimately, you are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Don’t ever wait on someone else. It’s cliché but life really is too short!  

If you want to check out HGM you can find Cleo here. I suggest starting from the beginning.  


  1. I'm so happy for you that you're in a good place and happy! You deserve it!
    I completely understand your statement about still falling into those patterns. Im happy, in love, and married for 6 months to a wonderful man whom i know loves me like no one ever has.... but that doesn't mean that everytime we have a big-ish disagreement i dont emotionally shut down and think he's going to leave. Crazy, I know. I'm trying to work on it, but I cant help thinking that other relationships have ended because of my missteps, no matter how much i dont want to go back to that. The ends are still scars in my mind and on my heart. He definitely doesnt love me like any other man, or treat me like any other man, so he would never leave like them. I have to whisper it to myself sometimes....
    Your post just moved me to share.

  2. Thanks Nickole! I'm happy that you have found a great guy too! It's so amazing to find someone who is willing to work on the tough problems and not just walk away. In the last year I have definitely had my melt-down moments and Erik has actually had to reassure me that he isn't going anywhere. I realize now that all the crap that me and (you know his name but)the "ex" went through was total bullshit. He didn't care what I wanted or how I felt and, as a result, I just kept feeling more and more bitterness towards him. The end result was that I didn't really care what he wanted either because he wasn't even listening to me. This was all so, so, SO, bad!
    I have learned that when you are with someone who listens and has an interest in making you happy then you are more inclined to want to make them happy too. Erik and I have our disagreements but I don't have to be stubborn or crass because I know in my heart that what we want in the end is the same and I know he genuinely cares.
    You know, I write these posts not with a vindictive nature but with the hope that they may help someone in a similar situation--to at least know that you shouldn't have to compromise your wants and needs for somebody else. I think your comment reinforces that fact. Don't settle for someone who isn't making you happy because there are plenty of people out there who can.